%402x.svg)
Despite years of communication training, employees still stay silent when their voice matters most. Elaine Lin Hering unpacks why well-meaning leaders unintentionally silence their teams and shares three practical frameworks to help you create real psychological safety and get the insights your organization desperately needs.
TL;DR
Q: What is the difference between silence and strategic pausing?
A: Strategic pausing involves intentionally choosing when to speak and when to listen. Silence, as defined in workplace contexts, means withholding your thoughts and insights because you have learned that sharing them carries too much risk or will not make a difference. One involves agency and choice, the other involves learned behavior driven by past experience.
Q: How can I tell if I am accidentally silencing people on my team?
A: Watch for patterns. Do people share concerns after decisions are made rather than before? Do certain people consistently stay quiet in meetings but share detailed thoughts later via email? Do team members express frustration that their input does not matter? These are signs that your communication processes may not be working for everyone.
Q: What should I do if someone prefers to share feedback via email but I need real-time discussion?
A: Create a hybrid process. Let them share their initial thoughts in writing so they can organize and edit their ideas. Then schedule a conversation to discuss their input together. This respects their processing style while still allowing for the dialogue you need.
Q: Is it realistic to accommodate everyone's communication preferences on a large team?
A: You do not need to create 20 different processes for 20 different people. Start by offering two or three options, such as sharing thoughts in writing before meetings, contributing during meetings or following up afterward. That flexibility alone will help more voices emerge than forcing everyone into one mode.
Q: How do I handle someone who says they were silenced when I genuinely wanted their input?
A: Listen without defending. Ask what would have made it easier for them to share their perspective. Acknowledge that your intention to hear from them does not erase their experience of feeling unable to speak up. Use their feedback to adjust your approach going forward.
Q: What if I create space for people to speak up and they still choose not to?
A: Recognize that unlearning silence takes time. People need repeated evidence that speaking up will actually be safe and valued before they trust the invitation. Keep creating space, keep asking explicitly for input and keep demonstrating through your actions that you will listen and respond thoughtfully.
Introduction
You have invested in communication training, rolled out feedback systems and you keep telling your team you want to hear what they really think. Yet when you ask for input in meetings, you get silence. When you make decisions, people complain afterward about issues they never raised before and it leaves wondering if your team lacks courage or confidence.
Elaine Lin Hering, author of Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully, spent more than a decade teaching negotiation and difficult conversations at Harvard Law School. She has facilitated executive education across six continents for clients including American Express, Google, Nike and Pixar. She watched organizations pour millions into training programs based on Getting to Yes and Difficult Conversations. Even after all that investment, people still refuse to negotiate, have hard conversations and speak up when their voice matters most. Her USA Today bestselling book Unlearning Silence reveals the real barrier. Silence is learned, and leaders unintentionally reinforce it every single day.
This conversation matters because your best ideas are locked inside people who have learned through painful experience that speaking up does not work. When you understand how silence gets learned and how you accidentally silence others, you can finally start hearing the insights your organization desperately needs.
What Silence Actually Means and Why It Matters
Most leaders think silence means someone is thoughtful, agreeable or simply has nothing to say. Elaine defines silence differently. Silence is the withholding of yourself, your thoughts and your insights for the comfort or convenience of others. When babies cry, they use their voice freely. When babies in orphanages cry and no one responds, they learn that using their voice does not work and stop crying. Adults learn the same pattern.
Silence becomes learned behavior when we repeatedly experience that sharing our perspective leads to being dismissed, punished or ignored. You grow up in a family where asking questions is disrespectful, you share an idea in a meeting and get shut down, you raise a concern and watch nothing change. Each time that pattern repeats, the brain learns that speaking up carries more cost than benefit. The behavior becomes automatic, even when the situation changes and a new leader genuinely wants input.
When perspectives are missing from the conversation, the data set is skewed. Your team members see things you cannot see from your position and they interact with customers, spot inefficiencies and notice risks before you do. When they stay silent, you lose access to information that could prevent costly mistakes or spark breakthrough innovations. Employee silence is a strategic risk that directly impacts performance, innovation and your ability to lead effectively.
How Leaders Accidentally Silence Their Teams
Most leaders believe they are creating space for people to speak up. They say things like "I want to hear what you think" or "Tell me what you really believe." Then they wonder why people still hold back. Elaine points to a pattern leaders miss. We require people to communicate in the ways, the modes and the mediums that make it easiest for us rather than asking what works best for them.
Some people process thoughts more effectively by typing. They can edit, organize their ideas and decide what truly needs to be said. Other people think best out loud in real-time conversation. When you insist that everyone must speak up in meetings because that is how you prefer to communicate, you silence everyone who needs time to process. When you dismiss emails as lazy or lacking courage, you cut off the very channel that helps some people share their best thinking.
Another common mistake is confusing being consulted with being a decision maker. Leaders say they want input, so employees assume their perspective will shape the outcome. When the final decision goes a different direction, people feel manipulated. They conclude that asking for input was performative theater rather than genuine consultation. Next time you ask, they stay silent because they have learned their voice does not matter anyway.
Elaine recommends using three decision-making buckets for every choice. Someone owns the decision. Some people get consulted and their input informs the decision but does not guarantee the outcome. Some people simply get informed after the decision is made. When you blur those lines, you create confusion, frustration and eventually silence.
Here is how to stop accidentally silencing your team:
- Ask people how they prefer to share their thoughts. Find out whether they process better by typing or talking, in real time or after they have had space to think. Then design your communication processes to accommodate different styles rather than forcing everyone into your preferred mode.
- Be explicit about decision-making roles before asking for input. Say clearly who will make the final call, who you are consulting and what timeline people have to share their perspective. When the decision gets made, explain what input you received and how it shaped your thinking, even if you went a different direction.
- Use complementary questions to draw out both sides. Instead of saying "What do you think" which can feel like a trap when you have power over someone's career, ask paired questions. What about this proposal works? What about it does not work? What concerns do you have? The questions themselves create permission to share both positive and critical perspectives without putting the relationship at risk.
Why Imposter Syndrome Might Actually Be Imposter Treatment
Many leaders assume that when someone stays silent, the problem is internal. They lack confidence or struggle with imposter syndrome. And what they need to do is work on their executive presence. Elaine pushes back on that framing. Sometimes the issue is not imposter syndrome. It is imposter treatment.
Imposter treatment happens when people make assumptions about your competence, authority or value before you even speak. Someone walks into a room and gets mistaken for the assistant rather than the keynote speaker because of their gender or how they present themselves. Someone shares an idea and watches it get ignored, only to see the same idea praised when a different person repeats it five minutes later. That is a pattern of being treated as though your voice does not belong.
"We've been measuring the wrong thing" is the quote Elaine returns to repeatedly. Instead of telling people to fix themselves by building more courage or confidence, leaders need to examine the systems and patterns that teach people their voice will not be valued. When you repeatedly experience being underestimated, dismissed or ignored, staying silent becomes a rational response rather than a personal failing.
Elaine offers a practical exercise. Make a list of five to ten things that are unique about you. They do not need to be impressive credentials. They can be as simple as where you were born, how many jobs you have held, whether you are a parent or what you studied. As you make that list, you start to see that there truly is no one who sees the world exactly the way you do. Your perspective has value precisely because it is different.
When you use the phrase "from where I sit" to share your perspective, you own both the legitimacy and the limitation of your viewpoint. From where I sit, this timeline does not make sense. That phrase naturally invites the question, what does it look like from where you sit? Now you are building understanding rather than debating who is right.
Building a Culture Where Voice Actually Matters
Creating a culture where people speak up requires more than saying you want input. It requires changing how you ask, how you listen and how you respond. One of the most practical tools Elaine shares is embedding standard questions into your team's rhythm. What about this works? What about this does not work? When those questions become predictable agenda items, the pressure shifts away from the relationship and onto the questions themselves.
Another shift is moving from "talk to me anytime" to being explicit about when and how you need input. If you are making a decision by the 20th of the month, say so. Let people know they have until that date to share concerns or ideas. After that date, the decision moves forward. This creates clarity rather than leaving people guessing about whether their voice still matters.
Elaine also recommends a team value that might sound simple but changes everything. On this team, we talk to each other rather than about each other. When someone comes to you complaining about a colleague, you can anchor back to that value and ask what it would look like for them to talk directly to that person. You can offer to be a thought partner without getting pulled into triangulation.
Finally, recognize that what has been true in the past does not have to define the future. Just because people have stayed silent until now does not mean they will always stay silent. Just because you have accidentally silenced people in the past does not mean you cannot choose differently today. Unlearning silence is an ongoing process for everyone involved, leaders and team members alike.
Ready to unlearn silence?
- To get practical tools and actionable tips that will jumpstart your journey, download the Unlearning Silence Kick Starter Booklet here.
- Join the newsletter to be notified when a new episode is ready for you to listen and get every Kick Starter Booklet for all future episodes.
- And if you’re looking to elevate your entire C-Suite leadership team, learn how Craig Dowden can help your leaders perform at their highest-level visit https://www.craigdowden.com/executive-mastermind
- For a deeper dive, listen to the full-length episode of the Do Good to Lead Well podcast featuring Wes Adams & Tamara Myles:
Did you like this article on unlearning silence? Does it help you become a better leader? Then check out these articles to help hone those skills even further:
- Why Feeling for Others Is Making Your Leadership Less Effective: The Empathy Paradox
- Leading With Courage and Authenticity: Purpose Driven Innovation: One CEO’s Guide to Leading with Courage and Authenticity with Kendra MacDonald
- Build Wildly Successful Startups Through Authenticity: Silent Strength: How Introverts Build Wildly Successful Startups Through Authenticity, Not Performance
- Drive Leadership Excellence in 2026 (Part 2): How Curiosity, Team Diversity, and Meaningful Work Drive Leadership Excellence in 2026 (Part 2)
- Transform Your 2026 (Part 1): 2025's Top Leadership Minds: The Extraordinary Guests and Insights That Will Transform Your 2026 (Part 1)
- Beat Burnout and Build Real Connection: How to Reclaim the Holiday Magic: 5 Powerful Strategies to Beat Burnout and Build Real Connection with Craig Dowden
- Hospitality Leadership: How Hospitality Leadership Transforms Teams and Drives Business Results with Taylor Scott
- Transform Average Teams into Extraordinary Ones: Teamship Over Leadership: The 10 Shifts That Transform Average Teams into Extraordinary Ones with Keith Ferrazzi
- Understanding Yourself: Self-Awareness in Leadership: Why Understanding Yourself Is the Non-Negotiable Foundation of Sustainable Success with Margaret Andrews
- Empathy Fatigue: How to Protect Against Empathy Fatigue: Essential Strategies for Leaders Facing Emotional Burnout with Craig Dowden
- Build Learning Organizations with Andrew Lo: How to Build Learning Organizations That Drive Innovation: Andrew Lo's Leadership Framework for Empowerment and Accountability
- Employee Wellbeing Drives Better Business Results with Mark C. Crowley: Why Employee Wellbeing Drives Better Business Results Than Engagement Ever Could with Mark Crowley
Craig Dowden
%401x.svg){kind=icon}
